The Party
by The-Intensity
Summary: Spartan 117 wanders in on a strange sight. A bachelor party. Cortana is being emotional, a marine is getting a lap dance, and Johnson is still acting like a sage... Nothing out of the ordinary. Rated T for a few adult themes and foreign bad words.
1. Bachelor Party

Nope, don't own Halo. (sigh)

xxx

"Chief, that was such an unnecessary risk! Flipping over a hunter and shoving a grenade in it's back is not exactly a safe method for killing it! And you know what else? You-". John had many names: Master Chief, Chief, Spartan 117, even as simple as "Sir", but when Cortana was angry with him, she could make all of them seem so annoying that he would wish he had _none_ of them. He knew she meant well, but apparently the A.I. still hadn't grasped the concept of "nagging" yet. He had tried telling her once. That was probably more risky than the time he had jumped out of the Cairo space station to "return" the Covenant's bomb.

As soon as the Pelican they were in landed, he hopped out and headed for the cafeteria, while fighting the overwhelming urge to tell Cortana to shut up. He made a short stop in his room to put Cortana in her podium, despite her sputtering indignation. As he entered the cafeteria, he noticed several odd things: first, the lights had dimmed to the point of near darkness. Second, a massive group of marines had crowded around one of their brothers, who was tied to a chair and blindfolded. A female marine in her undergarments was sauntering towards him, getting ready to give a lap dance, as his friends continued cheering. The Chief spotted Sergeant Johnson reclining on a chair a short distance away from the group.

John grabbed a chair of his own and moved to sit next to his old friend. "Guy is having his bachelor party. Apparently he proposed to his girlfriend last time he had shore leave. Next time he's gonna get married." Johnson said as he removed the cigar he was clinching in his mouth. " Old dogs like me just aren't right for these anymore." Johnson sounded sad, but his soldiers hadn't forgotten about him, and had brought him an authentic Cuban and an invitation to at least attend. "Least I got a good cigar out of it, though." The Chief chuckled slightly, just as an idea popped into his head. He wondered how the soldiers would react if he wandered into the group. After sitting for a few more minutes, he gave Johnson a small nudge. "Check this out." Johnson laughed as the massive Spartan lumbered towards the party goers.

By the time he got close, he noticed a marine standing on the stage telling jokes. Bottles of alcohol were scattered across the floor, and the crowd was noticeably merrier. The laughter thundering through the crowd was testament to that. "-and so I says to her ' money doesn't make you happy! I have 50 million dollars, and I was just as happy when I had 48 million!'" The crowd howled with laughter. John gave a derisive snort. He hadn't thought that joke was funny, but the crowd was probably too drunk to care. Wandering in, all heads turned to him. Judging by the shocked looks on their faces, he thought they would bolt in all directions, but they merely began laughing again. "Hey, the Jolly Green Giant decided to join us!"

As if he had never even seen him, the marine turned towards his friend in the chair, who was still tied up, but had his blindfold removed, and was making out with the performer. The jokester put his hand on his friends shoulder to get his attention. "I hope you know that marriage is like buying insurance: you pay and pay and pay, but you never get anything out of it!" The crowd chortled. " Or like drinking a Slurpee. The first few sips are great, and you're gonna think 'Boy this is great, I'm glad I did this!' Then it's gonna go straight to your head. Then you're gonna go, 'Ow, ow ow! What was I thinking! Someone kill me please!'"

John couldn't take it anymore. He wandered back to his previous seat, sitting next to Johnson. " Stupid jokes, huh?" The Chief gave an affirmative shake of his head, to which the Sergeant just laughed. "Yeah, but they're just drunk. Give him credit for just talkin' straight." Johnson said, making a motion to get up, but then turned to the Spartan. "Haven't heard ya speak much this whole time, or take off your helmet. Cortana not talkin' to ya about that awesome little stunt with the hunter?" John shook his head and laughed. "No, believe me when I say she was talking. She just _would not stop nagging me!_ So I stuck her in the podium in my room to get some peace and quiet." He hooked a thumb at the soldiers, who were now butchering "Bulls on Parade". "Still couldn't get it, but perhaps I shouldn't have chosen the commons, then."

Johnson laughed as he got up and turned to leave. "Don't worry Chief. Just head back to your room and don't talk to Cortana." The Spartan made a helpless gesture. "I can't do that. She's hooked into the PA system. As soon as I set foot in that room, she's gonna start lecturing me on how many unnecessary risks I take, and how worried she was. _And _how angry she is that I left her in the podium again." The sergeant just grinned. "Heh, good luck Chief." With that, he turn and left.

John knew he was in for a long, long lecture from Cortana. Pushing the button, his door slid open to reveal Cortana standing on her podium, arms crossed. "Where did you go, Chief? I've been waiting for you for hours! It is very late!" She gave him an odd look. "Have... Have you been seeing another A.I. behind my back?" John entered and closed the door, but turned when he heard the last comment. Cortana held a good angry face, but her mouth curled in a slight smile. After a short moment, they both broke down laughing. "I almost thought you were serious for a second there!" John choked out amidst his howling. Cortana put her hands on her hips. "Is she younger than me? Prettier?" They both just laughed harder and harder. Falling on the couch, John removed his helmet to wipe tears of mirth from his eyes. "Fine, fine! I have been seeing that nice Tiffany A.I. across the hall!" He said in a mock serious tone. Cortana felt like her sides were splitting. This was MUCH better than some party...

The End.

xxx

Hope ya liked it! Reviews please? They'll only make my stories better!

Anyways, until next time!

Remember, the eyes are watching you...


	2. The Cake Incident

Author's note: Spartan Ninja, Ziddy2343, If you are still reading, I apologize about the confusion with the (wrong) update of this story. To everyone else, nice to see you. This particular chapter is kind of rushed, so don't expect as much of this one.

xxx

The alarm clock next to John's bed began blaring, jerking him out of his sleep. Glancing at his alarm clock, he read the time: 5:45 in the morning. He had forgotten to turn the blasted thing off since he had been given a short break before he had to fight again. He lazily reached his hand to turn it off. Pressing the snooze button, he settled back into his bed. Five minutes later, however, the infernal contraption began squawking once again. With a slight sigh he pushed the button again, with a bit more force. Convinced that it was off for good, he settled back into his pillow, enjoying the rest. Then the alarm went off again, making John see red. _CRASH! _John looked back at his alarm clock. It had been smashed to pieces under his fist. He let out a long, irritated groan. He wouldn't be able to sleep anymore, since he was too awake.

Groggily, he rolled out of his bed, tripping over a coffee table. Cursing, he stumbled into Cortana's podium, accidentally activating it. The blue-hued A.I. looked at him, a bit surprised at his clumsiness. "So Chief, I guess you aren't a morning person."

When John didn't respond, Cortana frowned slightly. He always managed to come up with witty responses to her jokes at his expense. Something was definitely wrong with him, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

The Chief, however, knew exactly what was wrong, since it was the only thing running through his mind at the moment. __... The word ricocheted around in his head at a supersonic rate as he clambered to the stove in his kitchen. Quickly grinding the beans, he put them in the machine.

Cortana simply raised an eyebrow. "You are our most feared super soldier, yet you still stumble around like a drunk in the morning. And what's with the whole coffee thing? Since when did start drinking coffee?" John gave her a glare, but said, "Since I started staying here. A marine by the name of Klaus gave me some."

Cortana was surprised, to say the least. "You took your helmet off?" John frowned slightly, dragging a few fingers across his face. "Do you think I should have kept it on?" Walking over to a mirror by his bed, he gave his reflection serious contemplation. "Am I too ugly, or something like that?" Cortana knew he certainly wasn't. He had a strong facial build, emerald eyes, and short, spiky hair. All of this was contrasted by his pale white complexion.

He wasn't model handsome, sure, but he certainly would be able to get a woman's attention if he wanted. "Of course not Chief, I'm just surprised you did that." John shrugged. "Well, I promised Klaus I would see him this morning at breakfast." Cortana nodded. After waving to each other, the Spartan finished his coffee, put on his armor, and made his way to the commons...

xxx

John made his way through the slightly crowded halls. As he entered, he spotted Klaus lounging in a chair halfway across the room, glaring at something. The marine greeted him with a welcoming smile before turning back and glaring at what he was staring at. Klaus was in his mid-twenties. He also had a full head of buzzed black hair and startlingly blue eyes.

The Spartan followed his glance. Klaus was looking at a Russian marine, named Vyachislav, blowing out candles on a birthday cake before turning to his cheering friends and engaging in light conversation. John gave Klaus a questioning look, who just said, "That idiot embarrassed me in front of my girlfriend _AND _hit on her! All of this happened right in front of me! That idiot even caused her to break up with me!" Klaus looked ready to explode.

John shifted nervously. He had only known Klaus a few days, but he knew if you did something that disrespectful, he wasn't about to let you get away with it. For a few moments, John thought Klaus had swallowed his hate, but paled when Klaus said, "Er ist so ein arschloch. Ich werde seine verdammten russischen Kopf in seinem Geburtstagskuchen zu schieben. Sehen Sie dieses." John didn't know any German, but when Klaus spoke it, that meant he was VERY pissed. Immediately, Klaus stood up, and made his way over to Vyachislav's table, despite John's warnings not to.

John took off his helmet, putting his head in his hands. When he looked up, he saw that everything had gone quiet as all people were eager to see how this would turn out. When Vyachislav turned to see what had stopped his friend from conversing with him, he twisted his body at the waist to look behind him. Right behind him was Klaus. He gaped for a fraction of a second, but quickly recovered. "Begone, German. You are pathetic and not worthy of my time." He turned back to his friend to finish his story. However, before John could blink, Klaus grabbed the back of the Russian's head and shoved it into the cake.

The commons stayed silent for a moment, before bursting into howling laughter. Vyachislav slowly raised his head, wiping a finger across his face, and staring at the massive amount of icing on his face.

He turned to Klaus with an incredulous look on his face. Klaus said nothing. Then, without warning, he reached down and yanked the chair out from underneath Vyachislav, causing him to fall on his rear, then his back. Klaus then proceeded to pick up the remains of the cake and dump it on the Russian's nice suit for formal occasions.

"Zur Holle, du arschloch!" Klaus shouted before heading back and sitting in his seat. The raucous laughter from the soldiers filled the mess hall as Vyachislav, embarrassed and humiliated, retreated to his room to change, his friends following.

Klaus looked incredibly content. Turning to John, he said, "So, how are you this fine morning?" John shook himself out of his stupor, giving Klaus a big grin. "That was actually quite funny!" The Spartan laughed as he shoveled a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. Klaus turned back towards his own food, giving it an odd look and poking at it with his spoon, but smiled when he heard John's comment. " I guess it was pretty amusing." Klaus admitted with a slight smile reaching his face. He scooped a bit of his own cereal and shoved it down his gullet before giving a shake of his head. "These marine cooks are not really cooks. They can't even pick up a decent cereal." He stood up,excusing himself and said goodbye to John, saying he had something he had to do.

John watched him leave, chuckling, then turned to his food. When he was finished, he decided that a stop in his cabin was his next stop on his list. Disposing of the food scraps and returning the tray for washing, he turned and began his short trek back to his room. He greeted Cortana as he entered the room, made a cup of coffee, and sat at the computer on the desk by his bed. He surfed lazily amongst the many sites that dominated the net. "So, what happened at breakfast?" John turned to his robotic companion. "Well, Klaus humiliated a marine who caused him a bunch of trouble, and the whole mess hall got a laugh out of it." Cortana laughed and looked at him. "Well, I bet he's glad he got his revenge." John shook his head. "Klaus not only was humiliated by this guy, but lost his girlfriend of 5 years because he was a smooth talker. I think Klaus really wanted to kill him."

Cortana's lips thinned in contemplation as she thought it out. "Wouldn't you, Chief?" He gave her a look that suggested she was an idiot. "I've never even had a girlfriend, or anyone who wanted to piss me off." Cortana put her hands on her hips. "Well, excuse me!" She said with mock hurt. John smirked, and said, "I'm not getting roped into one of _those _conversations with you again." Cortana smiled and moved to reply, but was interrupted by a ping from John's computer. He looked and saw he had a new message. He opened it and read the message:

To all marines,

Due to complaints of poor food quality, dinner will be served by private Klaus Muller.

Diner will begin at the usual time at seven o'clock. Bring your appetites!

Sincerely,

Lord Hood

John looked at Cortana with a goofy grin on his face. "Well, this should be interesting..."


	3. Foreigners, Aliens, and Alarm Clocks

A/N: Guess who's back! To anyone who is still following this story: I admire that greatly. Quick warning, there is no violence in this chapter, but bad language is present. You have been warned. When have I last updated this mediocre story? I forget… Anyways, there is no excuse for my lack of updating, so go ahead and let me have it. Ok, now that I have finished complaining read and, if you are feeling gracious, review. And no, the chapter title is not meant to offend, as I myself am a Foreigner, so just enjoy.

The Party Chapter 3:

'BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!'

John catapulted out of bed, landing on his face. With a weary groan, he scraped himself off the floor and stood up. What the hell was that? He turned back towards the bed, seeing the alarm clock. He sat there for a split second, confused as to how it got there.

This had happened over and over again. The alarm clock, the SAME DAMN ALARM CLOCK, which he had shattered the first day, than many times over the week. How the hell was it in his room again? Cameras showed no one but him ever entering his room.

He let out a loud growl. He had a massive hangover from a party with Klaus and a few of the other marines and the clock was really grating on his nerves. More than one of those hunters who just wouldn't sit still and took forever to kill.

John took the straddle stance and thrust his palm down as hard as he could. The clock survived. He tried to smash it with anything he could think of. Nothing worked. Fed up, John put on his armor and grabbed the clock.

John was on his way out of the room when he bumped into Johnson on the way. The dark-skinned man gave him a smile and said, "Morning Chief, how did you-" John just strode by, muttering something like, 'fucking clock'. Johnson stared at his Spartan companion as he passed, saying, "Well, good morning to you too!"

Confused, the Sergeant walked away, heading for the mess hall. He remembered the memo from Lord Hood. He always knew Klaus was a good cook, but now he was a bit worried that trying to feed the whole base, even with help, was going to ruin his renowned quality.

Sighing, he pushed on, hoping that the food was going to be as good as he hoped…

xxxxx

"Sir, we have an unauthorized airlock depressurization in progress on sublevel thirteen!" The marine at the console waved over the officer in the room, who rushed over and looked at the screen as well. "Can you pull up the image Corporal?" The marine pressed a few buttons and a slightly fuzzy image appeared.

"Wait, what's that sir?" "Zoom in Corporal," the officer said. When the image was magnified, they were both confused by what they saw. "Excuse me sir, I think I might be seeing things. Is that… is that an alarm clock?"

xxxxxx

Vyachislav moved up further in the line. God, this was going to be humiliating. Getting cooked for by the guy who had embarrassed him in front of anyone who had been there on Monday. It was Friday now but he was sure Klaus would still get at him.

Dread pitted in his stomach, he walked up with his tray. Unfortunately, Klaus was serving as well as cooking, and happened to look up. The Russian man swallowed, expecting some vile words.

To his surprise, none came. Klaus just handed him his food and ushered him along: it was early and many more marines were arriving. Confused as hell, he wandered over to his friends. His girlfriend was absent, he noticed. Not that he really cared. After his ordeal, they didn't click so well anymore.

Sitting down, he absently munched on his food. His eyes snapped open. This was MUCH better than the usual slop served at the mess hall. He would never say as much, but he was glad Klaus was behind in the kitchen.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he was startled when the German he was thinking about patted his shoulder. He gaped for a moment, than saying a simple, "Hello Klaus, how can I help you?"

Smiling, Klaus motioned for one of Vyachislav's friends to scoot over before sitting down. "Listen my friend, I just came to talk to you for a moment." He pushed his food aside before asking, "How have you been recently? Okay I hope?" Vyachislav just nodded.

"Listen, I know we have had some bad experiences between each other, but I am no longer angry. I know you broke up with Jane. I also know you have moped about this week. You mustn't let that incident bother you anymore."

The Russian man nodded again. "Okay, I suppose if you can forgive me, I can forgive you, but only on one condition." His counterpart raised a brow. "Oh? What is that?" Vyachislav said, " I wish to cook some of my native breakfast cuisines alongside yours. Is that possible?" Klaus beamed. "Of course my friend, let's get cooking!"

xxxxx

John smiled as he saw the exchanges between the two men. From what he remembered, Russians and Germans had always disliked, or at least distrusted each other from World War II and on to the current day. It gladdened him to see that this might no longer affect the dynamics between the (in his opinion) best cooks on the station (yes, Vyachislav cooked, he had tasted it).

Sergeant Johnson was sitting next to him, nursing some scrambled eggs. "Hey Chief, check out who's coming over." John looked over and saw his old enemy, Thel Vadamee, otherwise known as the Arbiter, who was now a great friend, walking aimless around the room with his tray of yummy food (yes, he can eat some human food).

Flagging him down, John moved over a chair and patted his back. "He-hey, you old split chinned son-of-a-bitch, where've you been, eh?" Thel sighed, but did not react to the Spartan's good-natured teasing. "Rtas 'Vadum gave us some time away from the Sanghelli fleet. I'm just visiting."

John frowned. "Hey man, if you got a problem, you know me and Johnson got your back, right Sarge?" Johnson nodded his head in affirmation. "Now come on man, spill it." The Arbiter just sighed again. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, he noticed.

"Well, you see, there is a female I am interested in back on Sanghelios. I wish to ask her to a, as you humans say, date. However, I am conflicted as to whether I should attempt this or not."

John knew as soon as when Thel mentioned female Sanghelli, he was out for the count. He had an idea what to do when it came to human women, but he had never even seen a female Elite before.

Johnson, however, jumped at the opportunity. "Shit man, that's it? I can help ya with that, no problemo!" Groaning, John finished his food and left, saying goodbye to them, Klaus and Vyachislav. He did NOT need to hear Johnson's assumptions on how to date a woman from a race of aliens he had spent most of his time killing until a few months ago. Poor Thel, he was so absorbed, believing it would work. Hell, maybe it would.

'Now', he thought, 'Time to take a quick nap'. Navigating his way to his room, he spotted Cortana on the podium next to the door. "Hey Cortana, how are you doing?" She gave him a worried look. "Good Chief, hey listen-" John held up a hand. "Please Cortana, I need sleep. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until this afternoon." "Of course John, but-" "Cortana, please." He opened the door.

'BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!'

John just stared at Cortana, who had an apologetic look on her face.

'BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!'

"…MOTHERFUCKER!"

A/N: To anyone confused, this is a bit after Halo 2 in my mind, so that is how the Arbiter is able to interact peaceably with the humans.


	4. Increments of Insanity

A/N: Greetings once again all! I doubt anyone is still reading this, but I have just had a series of comedic ideas to put into this, and just found my long lost inspiration, like a castaway to civilization**. **Anyways, hope you all enjoy!_**Oh wait, by the way, there will be LOTS of language, stereotypes and perhaps (oh, who am I kidding, of course there are) suggestive themes in this chapter, so I'm officially giving this an M rating**_, just too lazy to change it. Ah well, I know that most teens are exposed to a lot worse nowadays anyways, so what difference is it going to matter now?

Chapter 4: Increments of Insanity

"Alright marine, repeat what I just said, so I can make absolutely sure you got what I just told you." Said marine looked directly into John's helmet, saying, "You want me to take this alarm clock and personally oversee its total incineration."

Pleased, John nodded. "Good, now take that damn thing out of here so I can sleep for the rest of the day. Damn thing won't let me sleep in." The marine just smiled as he left the room, the offending device in hand.

John turned to Cortana. "Well Chief, now that that's done, why don't you go and hop back into bed?" With a tired sigh, John slowly shed his armor, noticing with a pained grimace as he took it off that it was in DIRE need of odor eaters by this point. Quickly shirking the rest of the offending garments with some minor trouble, John stumbled back towards the bed. Laying down, he felt his head rest upon his pillow, its wonderful softness lulling him to sleep…

Mere moments later, his rooms communicator began to squawk at an unrealistically loud volume. Shooting out of his comfy bed with much regret, he stumbled over to the communicator, mashing the speaker button.

"WHAT?" John snarled. Vyachislav's thick Russian accent crackled through the speaker. "John? Get your lumbering thunder-thighs out of bed! We have company awaiting us in my room! Now!"

For the first time in a long time, John actually felt like crying. Why? Why did these things always happen to him? Stopping for a moment, he slowly looked back over at his bed…

"John, I know you are about to get back in the bed! I can pretty much see it! If you don't get your behind over here, I will send Klaus, who was here on time I might add, over there with a blunt object and less than friendly designs on your man salad, so GO!"

Shaking his head, John took his time replacing his armor, and then making his way over to Vyachislav's room. Suddenly, he noticed a crewman with a fake bird head on and fake wings passing him in the opposite direction. The strange man just slowly turned towards him as they neared.

"Tweet tweet, mother fucker…" And with that, the weirdo continued on his path, not even glancing back. John was simply astounded, but managed to push the encounter away fast enough to not pass Vyachislav's room.

As he entered, he noticed Klaus and Vyachislav huddled around a new fish tank. "Ah, there you are chief! These are the new friends I wanted you to meet." Glancing around, John looked at Vyachislav. "Wait, you mean the fish?" "Of course he means the fish," came Klaus' reply. "He just got them a few days ago. Come, let us introduce you to them."

Bending over heavily, John stared into the fish tank, immediately noticing several strange fish. "See those four small kind of green-blue shiny fish clustered there? They are Bill. Not just one, but all of them. If you want one of them, they are all going to respond to you. That tan-ish one there, with the black and red stripes at the top, is Charles. He is very nice, although Steve keeps on fucking with him."

Klaus began to talk now. "The one in the corner there, the purplish one with all red stripes is Steve. He is a closet homosexual from Nepal, and has had much trouble coming to terms with who he is, but recently he has discovered that he loves the fish dick. I mean seriously, don't those puckered lips look like they were made for dick sucking? Anyways, see that weird light-brown worm with strings tentacle things on its back? That is Francois. He's always laid back; I mean seriously, he just does not give a fuck. Ever. He is best friends with George."

"Those jack-knife looking fish there, are Alberto, Enrique, and Roberto. That slightly darker and bigger one there is Alberto. He's a transgender. Don't make fun of him for it, becau-. Oh now look, they're swimming backwards. Showoffs. Anyways, yeah, Enrique, the middle sized one, and Roberto, the smallest, all make fun of him. Try to refrain from doing that yourself."

"That tubular fish down by that boulder of corral, you know, the one with the bulging eyes? Yeah, that's George, Charlie's retarded brother. He never moves, so much to the point that when we first got him we thought he was dead, but no, he just sits on that rock with that blank stare on his face. Man, I just know that at some point, George is just going to flip shit and murder every other fish besides Francois and Charlie, and while he did it, that bored stare wouldn't leave his face. Check out how Steve keeps swimming by, all nonchalant, keeping tabs on him, making sure his isn't planning anything."

"The last resident is that hermit crab right there. She is the only female in the tank (or so we assume), and is known as Miranda. She is certainly easy, and every fish in there has tapped that ass, so yeah, stay away from her for now. I think she might possibly have crabs…"

Klaus began guffawing, cracking himself up with the joke. John and Vyachislav just looked at him, unimpressed.

"Well guys, its been fun, but I really got to go get some sleep. Got to be rested for that big party tomorrow, right?" John waved at the two crazy men before making his way back to his room.

Strolling inside, he saw Cortana on the podium, staring into the room. "Why, hello there Cort…ana…." It was then he saw it. Furbys. Furbys everywhere. And in the center of his newly saran-wrapped bed, was the alarm clock. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

A/N: Well, that's it for now kiddies! Until next time, remember: Furbys are evil. DO NOT touch them. Ever. Anyways, hope I haven't offended or alienated too many of you. Oh well, Deuces!


End file.
